DCO link: http://www.davidcookofficial.com/blog/zero...-accurate-truth



ZERO HOUR - A Fan Report of Totally Accurate Truth
by kaydeecee

ACT 1: The Fans

The time is 11 PM, Monday, November 17, 2008

Some fans of DAVID COOK are gathered around a flaming bonfire on this chill November eve.

Fan 1: "b****es. The day is FINALLY here. It is all happening."

Fan 2, reverentially: "F*cking Dave Cook record."

Fan 3: "F*cking Dave Cook Band."

Fan 4: "Dudes. He won that stupid, stupid show. I STILL AM NOT OVER THAT."

Fan 5: "I know! It's almost like sometimes YOUR VOTE TOTALLY COUNTS."

They pause in silence to contemplate, then shrug.

Fan 1: "Are we ready?"

A hard copy of "Time of My Life" is placed in the center of the group, and doused with gasoline and tequila. (1)

Laughing cruelly, Fan 2 throws a lighted match and screams: "Bye bye, Magic Rainbow! Ha ha ha, watch all *that* bitterness burn!"

With a FOOF! , the platinum-selling single catches fire (in a chemical way, not a sales thing: that was May). (2)

Quietly, Fan 3 whispers: "I liked Magic Rainbow." Another Fan smacks her. "The point is, fantard, TOML was NOT a Cook song. It was nice when he won, and maybe kinda sweet when like it made tiny gymnasts weep and Oprah orgasm, but it was an Idol thing. Not what we were waiting and hoping for."

Fan 1, raising voice to deliver sermon: "People of the Cook, for lo these many months, we have wandered in the wilderness. Since the first time he opened his mouth to sing . . ."

Fan 2: "Or maybe not till "Hello!"

Fan 1: "OK, since 'Hello," when he revolutionized the entire world of Lionel Richie post-grunge cover attempts . . ."

Fan 3: "All Right Now" was pretty hot! First use of the white Les Paul!"

Fan 4: "Yeah, well *I* liked him at the audition! I've had erotic dreams involving a sweater vest ever since!"

Fan 5: "Eww!"

Fan 1: "Look, it doesn't *matter,* OK??? For an exceptionally long long time, since we were Cookified and since we gaped with open mouths at Cook's amazing triumphs over Evil on Idol and we watched EVERY performance over and over and then discovered the well-crafted, heartfelt, melodic rock virtues of Analog Heart and MWK . . ."

Sighs of: "Skib! Tieeeemaaaannn!

Fan 1: "And Axium, even (except the Creedlike parts), and marveled at the undiscovered gemstones of musical goodness embedded in the obscure dirt of Tulsa . ."

Fan 3, nerdily: "Gemstones don't just lie there in the dirt, they're chemical compounds which typically occur in specific formations . . ."

Fan 4, also nerdily: "You're mixing metaphors!"

Fan 1: "Shut! Up! All this time, we've waited for the true discovery that would be the true, real David Cook new music. And then, when from out of the gathering storm . . ."

Fan 2: "What storm?"

Fan 1: I don't know! The storm clouds of . . . mediocrity! And cynicism and Clear Channel and everything on my radio s*cking. From out of these dark clouds gathering over the land, Cook gathers the mightiest forces of his past . . ."

A Skibtard and a Tiemannaut hold up MWK and To Have Heroes albums, and start elbowing each other.

Fan 1: "And then added in *new* forces of Musical Awesomeness . . ."

Fans hold out broken drumsticks and maps of South Dakota and shout "Kyle! Joey!"

Fan 1: "And together, there has issued forth this wonderful record that speaks to us in our hearts, and our ladyparts and manparts, and this incredible new Band that rocks its *ss off. And, my peoples, IT IS GOOD!!!!!!

Fans: "Yaaaaaaaaaay!"

Fan 1: "And "Declaration" is totally the next single."

Fan 2: "Do you have brain damage? "Lie" would KILL on HAC, it would rip the pants of Gavin Rossdale and Snow Patrol and all that format."

Fan 3: "Gotta be "Heroes." And then they could use it on the show "Heroes" and Cook could guest star and he could fly and have a sword and it would be EPIC."

Fan 4: Is chugging Jack Daniels and setting up a stripper pole and blasting "BarBaSol"

Fan: 5: "You insensitive, ear-dead churls, "Life on the Moon" contains unrealized autobiographical resonances."

The fans fight!

Midnight strikes!

The bonfire burns higher!

It is TOTALLY the TIME OF OUR LIFE.

----------------------------
ACT 2 - The Band

Top Secret Cook Dome, an undisclosed location.

Monday Morning, November 17 (3)

The David Cook band are hanging out.

Spiral-Haired Bassist Joey Clement is practicing chords with his trademark Youthful Wholesomeness.

Darkly Handsome Multi-tasker Andy Skib is toying with a Swiss Army knife.

Facially-punctuated Guitar Guru Neal Tiemmann is reading "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Scandinavian Shredders" and periodically staring off into the distance.

Floppy-haired Action Percussionist Kyle Peek is lying curled on the meeting room table under a heap of empty Pabst cans.

Recently Minted Rock Star David Cook enters the room and sets down a shopping bag. The camera zooms in an we can see that it contains compact discs labeled: "The Compleat Axium Recordings Volume 1, 2, and 3: Blu Ray" and "Optimistic to a Fault: Lost in Tulsa." (4) Somewhere, a fan explodes. There is a faint smell of bacon and ice cream.

Cook leans over Peek and screams genially in his ear: "You're at work, b****! Don't lie there and look at me like I just killed your dog.''

Peek: "You killed my dog? Dude, that is SO uncool!"

Cook, stopping short: "What? No! It was just comic imagery. I love dogs, and wait, do you actually have one?"

Peek, whining: "No, but what kind of a heartless bastard of a boss threatens to murder a tiny imaginary puppy!" (5)

Clements, sadly: "They have nice dogs in South Dakota."

Cook, sighing: "I'm sure. To my larger point. Can we start the meeting now?"

Tiemann drags Peek off the table by one foot and gently sets him in a chair, then seats himself: "Indeed, Dave, it is high time to begin. There are many roads to travel. Much that is still unrevealed."

Cook, eyeing him: "Riiiight, right. Uh, I think I asked everyone to compile a few bullets of our achievements for each meeting, so we can be all businessy and such. OK, what did we do last week?"

The band members all talk over one another:

"Played Leno!"
"Blew up at the Hard Rock Cafe!"
"Our Soundcheck thing went up!'
"Total Request Live!"
"GMA! We met Stephen Colbert and he totally mocked Cook making out with his mike stand!"
"Dave met Hillary Clinton and the Secretary of State and legendary Mets third baseman Dave Wright, and made out with ALL of them!"

Cook blushes: "Uh, what else?"

Tiemann: "I got a congratulatory telegram from Yngwie Malmsteen. He praised my serious guitar fu. I signed him for future episodes of the Cook-Tiemann instructional series."

Cook: "Groovy! Wait, do people even send telegrams anymore?"

Tiemann: "They do in Sweden."

"Sure! Ok, anything else?"

"We broke into Top 40 with Light On!"
"Andy got some new pants! The fan reviews were mixed!"

Andy, pissed: "They are NOT my sister's pants."

Cook, recalling pants-related crises of his own and trying to change the subject: "Hey at least they made an impression! Joey, the fans keep pointing out how relatively sane and normal you appear. Clearly, we need to do something drastic. "

Clement: "Can't I just play the bass really, really well? And sort of sway gracefully at the waist? I mean, our Online Stalker Growth Strategy is kinda weirding me out. My MySpace used to just be like, these three girls I knew from school and the janitor from the studio, now there's pictures of uh, cats playing guitar and women's underwear and somebody's granma and dolls dressed up as us.

Also, Jay Leno keeps sending me Private Messages, it's kind creepy."

Cook laughs: "Don't worry about it, just the perils of new found celebrity. After a while, it'll totally get less weird!"

A secretary sticks her head in the door: 'Uh, Mr. Cook, it's Senator Clinton on Line One. And uh, former President Clinton on Line Two."

Cook has a somewhat worried expression: "Oops! Darlin, can you tell them that I'm , uh . . ."

"In the studio, got it."

Skib, smirking: "Maybe you could set Hillary up with Michael Johns."

Cook: "Shut up. Any way, now we're about to come up on the most important day of all. Album release day. And I really just . . . I want to thank you guys for . . .it's been 25 years in the making . . .and the whole last year has been so . . ."

Skib: "Are you going to cry now?"

Cook: "Yes, b*tch, I am."

Cook cries. The Band hugs. And they go on to sell lots and lots of records.

THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kaydeecee takes her wineglass ad goes to wait by the Big Clock.

x0x0x0x0x0x0x0xx0 hugs and kisses
November 18, 2008

(1) I know it doesn't exist.
(2) ALMOST platinum, OK?
(3) Yeah, yeah, they were in NYC: TARDIS, gaping hole in reality, whatevs
(4) These don't exist either. Or DO THEY? No, they totally don't.
(5) Harassing one's drummer.

F**king HILARIOUS!!!!!!! I am rolling on the floor laughing so hard I peed my pants.. Where are Depends when you need them.

You have a gift, Kaydeecee!!!! David just has to see your stuff!!!

"going back to read again."

OMG!!!!!!!! This is THE BEST!!! Kaydeecee, you win. Whatever it is, you win. Travis and mods, if you see this just skip D-C.org Contest number 4 (weren't there going to be 4?) and give the prizes to kaydeecee.

I was laughing so loud I got the dog all upset and the tears are still running down my cheeks. My guess is, this is ALL TOO TRUE!! It's incredible --thanks so much for the best laugh I've had in weeks. Hee, hee, hee.
I hope there's an Act 3, and I hope it takes place right after Regis and Kelly -- hee, hee, hee.
Good bye, Magic Rainbows.
NEMO Cougar

Kaydeecee you are a genius! I had just finished listening to Permanent as I read this. OMG! Thank you for saving me from spazzing out. I'm just tripping right now. What a story! Plz someone give her a prize!

Can't wait for the next chapter in the David Cook Band saga. Thanks for that!

BRILLIANT!

best one yet!!!!!!!! awesome!!!!!!

Sitting at work LMAO is so going to get me fired. So what if I don't care! This is the funniest thing I've read in years. I really hope David sees this, he'd love it!

Do you think Dave says "groovy?"

That is the funniest thing I've read in a long time...! FTW - kaydeecee!

This is outstanding! I laughed so hard my chest hurts!

OMG! This is amazing and hilarious stuff! Keep up the super work...AND if there is a part 3 after Regis and Kelly, PLEASE don't let her maul Neal.

Outstanding!

Totally knocked me off my socks!